When I sit alone with my thoughts…
I think a lot. Or so I’ve been told. I typically wouldn’t categorize myself as an introvert. For one, I loathe the idea of boxing someone to fit some ideological frame. I think as humans, we do that a lot. That which we can’t fathom, we label. Labels are nice, they give a sense of control. Secondly, I’m a social person, or at least I’d like to believe I am. I strike conversations easily and I’m occasionally funny. That said, I prefer spending a huge chunk of my time alone. I enjoy it. Reading, playing a video game, or just being there…thinking.
For the past two weeks or so, however, the intensity of my thoughts have grown. And for about two days now, it has been scary. I’ve read about depersonalization and how it’s one of the body's coping mechanisms for stress. I’ve never experienced one. At least, not one that I can recall. Don’t get me wrong, I am able to have conversations with myself and rationalize thoughts or get a “second” opinion. Those experiences are usually conscious. It’s playing the devil's advocate with oneself. And I think most of us can relate to that. But this one was different. And scary.
As I was walking today in the morning, it’s like my mind and body were detached, if that makes any sense. I could see myself walking. I could see myself do stuff on autopilot, and wonder why. I was scared and anxious. For a moment, I was going mental. “This is it”, I told myself. Everything felt dream-like. And not the good kind of dream. The only way I could think of getting out was to start reminiscing myself about recent events that had occurred. I wanted to know I was still there. Who had I spoken to yesterday, what happened on Friday…and Thursday. And when I couldn’t remember something, I panicked.
I’ve been sitting on my couch wondering what exactly my body is trying to tell me. The feeling still lingers but it’s not as bad as it was earlier. I’ve started looking back at the month and how I have been. Checking in with myself, if you may. And I’ve noticed the mental blocks, the laziness, the excessive sleeping, and reclusiveness. Lately, I’m not excited. I don’t feel like seeing people and phone calls give me anxiety.
I am stressed, and I did not see it. And it’s worse than burnout. I cannot honestly remember the last time I took an actual break. When I wasn’t writing code, daydreaming about the future, or worrying about something. My mind has been active nonstop. No pause, no breaks. And it’s finally telling me to stop for a second. I’d be a fool not to listen.
I am sending in my email, asking for a break. To read a fiction book, swim, eat good food with friends, get a drink or two, go for a massage, and not worry about anyone else but me. I’m deliberately choosing to worry about myself…because, for the first time in a long time when I sit alone with my thoughts, I am scared.
