Conscious solitude

A hiatus from my normal life

I recently noticed a tattoo on a friend of mine. It was a triangle, an equilateral triangle to be more precise. It was so simple, that I asked him if he simply got it for the sake of getting one, to match with the “tattoo” haze that had been going on sometime back or if it had a more philosophical meaning. His response stunned me. A triangle is the strongest shape known to man, he said. The tattoo reminded him to take care of both his mental, physical and spiritual life in equal measure. I didn’t give his response much thought, not until tonight.

I’ve had this tendency where I shut down from time to time. I do it, in part to think, but also to avoid crushing whenever I suffer from cognitive overload. My friends and family have constantly told me to “grow-up” because on the surface it looks like I’m often running away from the problem at hand. And maybe that’s true. I’m not quite sure.

This week, a lot has happened. My best friend and cousin lost her dad, and I don’t think I understand how to feel about that yet. I want to help albeit I’m not quite sure how. I haven’t dealt with a lot of grief in my life, but I am not sure if the experience does make it any easier. A couple of people have hinted that I might be projecting. And maybe that’s true. The thought that my parents are not as young as they used to be. Having to deal with mortality salience and all. I’ve also alternated between pissing people off and being pissed off, and I’ve had to constantly switch my phone off whenever my head started to ache.

Despite writing articles and being comfortable with expressing how I feel, I have found it rather difficult to articulate my thoughts lately. The words always fall short of explaining exactly how I feel. So instead of talking, I decided to write in the hope that I can do a better job.

You see, growing up as a kid, I enjoyed playing video games. My earliest childhood memories are of me competing with my brother to rescue the queen in Mario Brothers. Simpler times those were. The thing about video games though, is that you study patterns and systems. In retrospect, maybe they influenced how I perceive systems and processes and God knows I got good at it. Today, my life is made up of systems for almost everything. I create a system, review, and optimize. The upside? It creates structure and momentum. The caveat? You cannot systematize everything (nor shouldn’t you) and if you live in your system way too long, you forget to think. If that makes sense.

I have never really taken a break in my life. I’ve jumped from one system to another, perfecting the art. I had no break between primary school and high school; high school and varsity and I didn’t take a break between varsity and career. Other facets of my life have also been like that. Relationships, personal goals, et al. I’ve always been “what are we doing next” kind of guy. I’ve allowed myself very little time to process between “jumps”.

So what system did I create? Well, after multiple burnouts over the last few years, I figured how to take intermittent breaks to recuperate. Switching my phone off anywhere from a few days to a week would often do the trick. And it worked until it didn’t. It took a call from a friend who I wronged to show me just how much.

It occurred to me how much I need to step back, re-evaluate and re-adjust a lot of things in my life. It took me back to the triangle tattoo and what it symbolizes.

My preferred option would have been a visit to Kainchi Ashram for a spiritual walk 😂, but it so happens I have responsibilities, so I can’t completely go off the radar. That said, for the first time in a long time, I have decided to take a break from life itself. Conscious solitude, if you may.

While I’ll be available on all formal communication channels, I intend to switch off my phone for the foreseeable future (I don’t know how long) and try as much as possible to stay away from social media channels. I intend to spend the time doing a lot more reading, writing, learning, introspection, and self-discovery. Maybe even improve on my sign language. Most importantly, to allow me the time to process a lot of things that I have been avoiding to process.

Let’s see how this goes. I apologize for the disarrayed thoughts. Hopefully, it gets better with time.